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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
LTNS
This morning on BART, I saw a brunette version of GPB. She was very cool: had an iPod running and sported some gadgety-looking Blackberry type of device, and was taking public transit - one can only assume - because she sold her VW.
Dear GPB: You are prettier as a blonde. Love Zemlet.
Dear Everyone Else: I am sorry I have not blogged, like ever. Love Zemlet.
I have not blogged in so long, my parents called to see if something was wrong with me. Well, there are plenty of things wrong with me, if you would like to know the truth. One of which being I hardly noticed July jet by. I seem to recall at the end of June going to Oregon for the weekend where I not only drove a tractor, I attended a luau on a covered bridge and used the phrase "Old Man Crawford" in a sentance. Then the next Friday, I wooshed up to Seattle for a week and actually seemed surprised when I got back and had a large pile of work waiting. While in Seattle I spent several hours in Lake Washington, which is not as cold as I thought it would be, and several minutes hanging in mid-air over the lake, with a large inflatable trampoline in between the water and I. I didn't play much Halo, but watched an entire season of Farscape and drank some Sasparilla at the Hellfish Saloon. (Actually there are several hilarious stories and photos to accomplany all of these sentances, however they will have to wait.) Somewhere in there, I sat in the front row of the Orpheum to see "Lion King" and ate at the Fifth Floor Restaurant, both of which were spectacular. Folks ask if it was expensive- let's put it this way: I spent over $20 just on water without specifically ordering any.
Today has so many anecdotes in it, I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with the worst thing that happened. There is a Client Officer who is epxecting me to work every waking minute from now until Wednesday (never mind that I have other things to do) and he had the nerve to call me today and have a very terse conversation over speakerphone with other people in the room, asking me to prove everything I asserted if I said anything at all, then ending the call by hanging up on me. Great- now I really want to work all weekend for you, not to mention be stuck in a conference room with you all day tomorrow and the next. How is it that he'll get a large cash bonus if we win the project I write the proposal for, and all I'll get is stuck working alone over the weekend?
But here are the best things: today Cheryl tried to burn down Ellen's office. Ellen is always the one in the group who is cold. It's cold in here, are you cold? It's cold. I need a heater. So Cheryl decides to get the biggest heater invented and put it in Ellen's office. To test it, she turns it on and decides to turn it up full blast to witness the effects. Ellen is out at meetings all day and Cheryl forgets it is on, so when I enter Ellen's office several hours later, I wonder why it smells like something is burning. Always ready to turn negatives into positives, we plan to purchase several small black rocks and a spray bottle so Ellen can start a sauna in her office with the extreme heat (the heater is seriously 4 feet wide). I should start bringing my robe to the office, so I can hold meetings in the Marketing Sauna. Then Cheryl said she had a question for me, so I thought we'd end the foolishness and get back to work. Was I wrong.
"I need a tiny penis cake," were her words to me. It may come as a surprise that neither of us knew where to puchase such a delicacy, but we both were convinced Melissa would know. AND SHE DID. You know those days when you think Melissa might not know everything- well she does. So stop wasting your time thinking like that.
But how do you write the letter aksing someone where such a thing can be found? Now during all of this, Cheryl expresses her exaperation that you cannot just go pick one of these things up anywhere, like in the "old days." According to her, in the "old days" you could go to "Safeway" and they would have them. SAFEWAY WOULD HAVE A PENIS CAKE? I argued, but she was tenacious: "they even had them in different flavors," and she proceeded to claim she had purchased a black one. Now I was laughing too hard at this point to ask if it was "bigger than a bread box" when she indicated that it had been "mocha" flavored. Well, after wiping the tears from my eyes I continued to write the e-mail asking Mel where to purchase said item and am reading the text to Cheryl.. blah blah blah... tiny penis cake... blah blah blah... can you help... when Cheryl suddenly worries that once we find it, it will be "too tiny". Apparently this particular comestible needs to feed four. Now I'm not sure why this is funny. Perhaps it is only funny after you attempt to burn your boss' office down.
In case Mel was unable to come through for us, we formulated several alternate plans, including making our own "tiny penis cake" out of snowballs and a twinkie, or just getting a big icing bag with a tip on the end, because "it is all about the frosting".
The scary part is Cheryl is also in charge of getting a cake for an office function and I actually thought initially she was going to get THIS cake for that. I mean, she'd already attempted office arson, why not seal her doom with a penis cake at the next team gathering?
Speaking of team gatherings, I think we need sound effects to liven up our monthly staff meetings. Each engineer could have a few bars of intro music, when called on, just like at a baseball game. When Wayne talks about one of our water quality projects, we could play segments of Alice Cooper's "Poison;" or if we talk about making a profit this quarter, ACDC's "Back in Black." Why not turn boring annoucements into a Spike Jones song? Because while I think a tiny penis cake would be going a bit far- something needs to be done to liven those things up.
.: posted by Zemlet 6:59 PM
Monday, July 12, 2004
Thunderbirds NOoooOoOooooo
Thunderbirds the highly amusing "supermarionette" series has been subverted into a cheapo kids movie. I am weeping. It even stars Ben Kingsley as "The Hood". The web site is hilarious- it shows fabric samples from Lady Penelope's outfits and you need to play a mini game to get into "Brain's Laboratory". Oh no... I'm sure the movie will be great... no really, how can it not be with Jonathan Frakes (that's right: Star Trek TNG's "#1") at the directing helm? (COUGH!)
.: posted by Zemlet 6:26 PM
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