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Thursday, August 31, 2006
Trigger Thumb?!
Well looky here. This Thursday and Friday, Nosy is home sick with “trigger thumb”. How convenient for her that this is occurring right before a 3-day holiday weekend. Guess who gets to assume all of her duties for those two days? Me. Don’t worry; it will only add about 15 minutes of tasks to my workload. I don’t think she does much of anything all day, and now I have the opportunity to confirm that fact.
I am now an independent consultant again, working directly for the company I've been at since June, instead of working for an agency that lends me to them. I think the agency mishandled the whole situation and I am unsure if it is that particular company or just the way those types of staffing places work in general. They put a 1.68 markup on my hourly rate and I don't feel like they really added value. But then again I am not their client, so I guess the value to me was having a job. So now I am back to playing Schedule C and SE taxes on everything I do. The architect is paying 15% less than they were before for my services, but I am not making any more money. So the whole thing just seems unfair. I am charging less than half of what I got from clients up in Seattle, which also seems unfair. All for the privilege of going to a boring job each day and having to fill my tank with gas more than I’d like.
Of course when this is over and I am sitting at home with nobody responding to my resume and feeling sorry for myself. I guess I’ll miss this and wonder if I made a mistake leaving. Sorry this post isn’t very witty, I am just really at a loss for what to do and it all feels so temporary, since I know we will be returning home within a year or two. The mortgage payment is a monthly reminder of that, as is hearing about all the things our friends are going through that we wish we could be there to help with or celebrate or get drunk because of. I know I have it really great and I shouldn’t complain, but that doesn’t make me feel fulfilled for some reason. Some days I just get so down and feel like my life here is so pointless. For a girl that loves to plan things out, I have nothing to plan. I have a future that is on hold, so planning that would just be depressing, and to plan my next career move I need make sure I don’t put too much emotion into it, since it will probably get cut short when we move.
I think part of this melancholy has been brought on by a meeting we had this week with one of the owners of Jonathan’s old company. The lawsuit is still going on or whatever and the firm is in receivership, which I guess is like foster care for companies whose owners are crack whores and can’t take care of them. Apparently someone is going to make a bid to buy it and that funding would start it back up. So this owner guy, let’s call him “Slim,” because since all the tragedy surrounding the demise of the company and the stress of the lawsuit and the loss of employment and now divorce proceedings, the poor guy has lost an incredible amount of weight. So here comes Slim with an eyeful of dreams to sell us. He is slathering the butter on thick at this meeting, which I am at, saying how we’re going to put the company back together and how I’ll get to move back to Seattle and live in my home again and how great it will all be and how we’ll have health insurance and a good salary for the H, etc. And the whole time I KNOW he is just talking and shining us on, but I can’t help but hope he is right. I know what he is saying shouldn’t just be taken with a grain of salt, it is totally comprised of salt, but it still gets to me. I don’t like Slim to begin with, and the fact that he’d try to manipulate us this way doesn’t raise my opinion of him. In his defense, he probably isn’t actively trying to snow us. He actually believes in this miracle as he asks how soon we can pack our bags and return to the Pacific Northwest. I just don’t trust him as far as I can throw him, and now that he has lost weight I can throw him even father.
On the way home, we talk about it. Jonathan jokes that it would be so hard for me to move back to Seattle and leave this amazing job I have. “Yeah,” I add, “and I will sure miss all the friends I’ve made.”
.: posted by Zemlet 11:26 AM
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
water water everywhere but oh lord is it boring
Everyone knows they should be drinking more water. I know I should. But drinking eight glasses of water every day can get incredibly boring. I read articles on all the health benefits of drinking more water and the detrimental effects of not drinking enough, in order to motivate myself… but that doesn’t always work. Well this last time I was reading up for inspiration, when I found a whole raft of articles on how the whole “you must drink 64 ounces of water daily” instructions are not as straightforward as one would think. One nutritionist isn’t even sure where that rule of thumb originated and felt it was propagated urban legend style through the ages until adopted as fact.
Some sites argued that a better rule of thumb is ½ oz of water daily for every pound you weigh, while others advocated drinking over 100 ounces (every damn day) as the key to weight loss. (This seems to border on being dangerous in my mind, a fact substantiated the further I read.)
Some articles argued that the magic 64 ounces includes water absorbed from the food you eat and the air you breathe, which actually contributes a lot if not he majority of recommended intake, especially if you are eating veggies or low-salt items. Other articles let you off the water-only hook and said that, like food, all liquid beverages have a certain amount of water in them, so you could easily fulfill your daily requirement with milk or juice or really any non-alcoholic beverage to come extent. Well thank god, because a girl can only drink so much plain water when she doesn’t actually feel thirsty. (Of course, according to internet experts, feeling truly thirsty indicates a fairly serious level of dehydration already at work.)
So now I feel I can actually come up with daily liquid intake goals I can live up to. In the morning I have skim milk with a couple spoonfuls of coffee for flavoring and feel confident that it contributes to my allotment of glasses per day. I also no longer feel bad about adding a dash or two of one of those diet drink powders to my water, like Crystal Light on the Go. I know they are all artificial, so I try to limit them, but even a little flavoring helps so much. I used to make a small amount of weak herbal lemon or mint tea and add that to a 20 ounce glass of ice water to flavor it, but making tea at work is a real pain with the steps involved in bringing my own tea to work, heating the water in the microwave etc. But I still try that flavoring trick from time to time.
My new thing is blending water with juice, now that juice is on my ok list. For example, I pour about 6 or 7 ounces of pure orange juice into a 16-ounce glass and fill the rest with filtered tap water and ice, then count that as 12 ounces of water. Most juices can be a bit acidic for me if I try to drink 20 or more ounces straight, and it is a bit pricey if you prefer juice that isn’t from concentrate. This way I get all the nutrients in the juice and the benefits of the water, not too much acid at once, I’m stretching my dollar, and tricking myself into drinking more.
I am so excited--we go to Seattle this weekend! I'll get to sleep in my own bed in my own house and soak in my extra big bathtub and use all my high-end appliances and eat at my favorite restaurant. On Saturday morning I go to the eye doctor, then buy some fancy lipstick (oh poor me, I need new lipstick because of terrorism,) and then I am meeting up with my pal Lois and we are going to home brew 120 bottles of beer and then get pedicures as a reward. I am even whipping up labels for the bottles to make it all official. One of the batches is going to be chocolate stout. I can't wait.
.: posted by Zemlet 5:17 PM
Thursday, August 24, 2006
what you get?
What do you do what someone is so nosy, it really starts to grate on your nerves? I understand that it is simple curiosity mixed with a total lack of things to do, but now anything she asks me, even the most innocent thing, annoys me instantly. I think it is because it is a constant barrage. Do you do your nails yourself or get them done? Oh? You do them yourself, where did you learn to do them? Is that coffee? Where did you go on your lunch hour? Did you walk or drive? What did you get? Are you cold? What are you eating? Do you like avocado? Do you think all vegetarians like avocado? Do you like scarves? Is that milk?
Gah! I should try to be a better person and not let it get to me. I feel so sheepish pretending not to have heard her or wearing headphones at my desk even if I am not listening to anything. I need to remind myself it has nothing to do with me, she is just bored and likes to ask questions. She only asks about where people go and what they did in the kitchen because she sits at the nexus of the entrance to the office and the kitchen alcove. Perhaps she is only interested in me because I am new and she has mined everyone else for information already. Perhaps I made the fatal mistake of answering all her questions instead of looking at her funny when she first asked, so now it is a habit. I know she likes habits. She has to park on the second level of the parking garage no matter what, even if it means using the valet. Because she is always on the second level.
Well here is what I’ve learned living in LA: 1) You can never be too skinny. 2) You can wear black every single day if you want. 3) No shoes too impractical!
I have also realized that the drivers have gotten even more crazy and rude since I lived here before. I think they are taking cues from President Bush: you should preemptively honk at someone before the light turns green to prevent any doddering before it happens. That person may drive slowly sometime in the future, so you need to defend yourself by honking at them today. They could have WMD, after all. Watchful, Medium-speed Driving. And all true patriots, who drive extra-large, American-made cars in order to save the economy, know this and guard against it daily.
I heard on NPR about a truck stop in Texas that only pumps biodiesel fuel. Carl’s Corner, I think it was called. Tons of red-neck truckers are totally into biodiesel, it turns out. Because Willie Nelson is a biodiesel freak, and anything that is OK by Willie is OK with them. They all listen to XM radio and call into Willie’s show to talk about fueling their big rigs with vegetable oil. It saves the farmers, it cuts down emissions, and you might have to defend your truck against attacks from bears who are attracted by the food smell. So it has that going for it, which is nice. It sounds too like it is kind of a libertarian approach to the environment. Use home-grown biodiesel, and solar and wind power generators, so that we are totally self-reliant. We wouldn’t ever have to leave the compound, except to hunt or visit Hooters (for the wings). It would be a stronger, better Texas. And that means a stronger, better America.
.: posted by Zemlet 11:13 AM
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
weak 2
I was going to write "week 2" but look! A bridge pun! I am in week 2 of no caffeine and today is really hard.
There are 145 milligrams of caffeine in a standard 6 ounce cup of drip coffee, however most people don't really drink 6 ounces, they drink more like 12 ounces, so that is really more like 290. That is a lot. Consider that a single regular strength NoDoz tablet is only 100 and two anacin tablets are 65. Twelve ounces of Diet Coke is 45.6, and the same amount of Diet Pepsi is 35.4. Seven ounces of tea has about 50, depending on what you're brewing. But I was drinking 2-3 cups of drip coffee per day. Every work day. That means... oh let's call it 666 milligrams of caffeine entered my system five days a week. I could point you to a zillion web sites detailing the extent of side effects to be expected from that kind of intake. Needless to say, it was bad and after doing that for over a month, I had to totally quit. "But you are from Seattle!" everyone says, "you shouldn't have bad coffee side effects." But in Seattle I used to drink espresso drinks, which means there is a 1.5 or 2 ounce shot of espresso (100 milligrams of caffeine) nestled in ten ounces of milk. That is a fraction of what I began drinking when I started working where I am now, so I rarely got any side effects from it. But I certainly had the side effects now.
So I quit last Monday and when I got the headaches, I opted for a painkiller (I think Tylenol has like 35 mg per tablet) or put a spoonful of regular coffee (15 mg)into my decaf (4 mg). It has been hard, but I know it is worth it for many reasons, but today was the hardest. I was up all last night worrying about all this job stuff. I had put together a portfolio of work to send to that firm I am interested in, only when I get to the upload site, there is a limit of 1.6 MB. That is teensy. That is what? One image? So I worked until very late painfully whittling it down. How can I show all I am capable of with only 4 pages? How can I show writing and layout and graphics and organization and strategic marketing thinking and bright ideas and high quality and all the things I am good at? Hopefully it was enough of a taste that they will want to see more. I indicated on my cover letter I have a lot of work samples to share if there is something in particular they are looking for. Anyhow, so I went to bed around 1AM, but couldn't sleep at all.
Today is the day that the firm I work for wanted to be my hire date. Their payroll starts today, so they wanted me on their rolls starting at the beginning of this period. The accounting manager is even in the office today (a rarity) so she could set everything up. I had been trying to get through to my boss that this isn't the job for me, but he wasn't biting. I guess I was being too gentle. Plus, any time I would bring up the reasons why I wasn't right for the job, he's counter that I was perfect for it and talk about why. But the fact remains that even if I am perfect for it, it doesn't interest me. I agreed to stay to finish the projects I've started, since it isn't fair to leave them high and dry, but I said I didn't see this as a long-term solution, so they could continue simply contracting me, if that worked out better for them. Apparently if they keep me too long and then decide to hire me, they'll owe the contracting company a finder's fee or something, but if they hired me right away, they could forego that and stop paying the added fee on top of my hourly rate to the contracting firm. So they have to weigh what will be the cheapest option for them. At least today I got to talk to the accounting manager and she understood my dilemma instead of working on trying to convince me to stay. She only works here part time and has a side business and other clients, so she understands how I might be bored being here all the time with no challenges or deadlines. So she can talk to my boss about the reality of the situation. I think he does understand I am leaving, he just isn't facing up to it. Things are very strained when they know you aren't sticking around, and I am feeling that from the folks who know I am not here for the long haul.
Today the senior architect guy announced he'd lost a set of "as built" plans. Those are irreplaceable. They are the plans the contractor marks up to indicate what he actually built, instead of what was called out for. Despite their importance, he couldn't locate them. He claimed he looked everywhere. The boss proposed that today at 2pm, everyone stop and look for the plans. They must be here somewhere and the best use of effort is if everyone looked at the same time to cover the most ground. Even though I am not a CAD person or architect, I thought I'd poke around and use my magic powers for finding things to help out. I found them right away. They were underneath a set of plans for a different job that shared a word with the missing job in the title. (I had been hunting for that word, since I wouldn't recognize the plans on their own.) The senior architect was blown away that my logic of where to look for it made so much sense and that nobody else had tried it. (He doesn't know I am leaving.) He made a point of making a big show to my boss about how useful I am, etc, etc. "Yeah, yeah," I could read in the look on my boss' face, "too bad the bitch won't actually work for us."
.: posted by Zemlet 1:37 PM
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
play on words
I believe that words and what we call things have a tremendous impact on how we view something. Politics likes to play with words to convey a complex message under the cover of simlpy coming up with what to call something. Compare the phrase "inheritance tax" (something that only happens to rich people who wear monocles) to "death tax" (doesn't that sound horrible)? They refer to the same thing, by the way. I will let you decide which political party came up with which moniker.
After hearing the phrase "sectarian violence" so often, today I decided to look up "sectarian" on m-w.com to see what nuances are contained. First of all, it implies something religious or aligned by sect, but also very narrow and limited. The synonym given was "parochial", which also has the same double meanings of "religious" and also "limited in scope or view". So in a way, this phrase is conveying that the violence is only relegated to a small area or way of thinking. It minimizes its importance, when reports of daily episodes make it seem rampant and pervasive. It just really bothers me that I don't think we get to see what is really going on. I wonder if that is because they simply cannot show dead bodies on tv, or that reporters don't actually know what is going on, or that the audience doesn't actually care. I recently saw "Ghosts of Rwanda" and the footage was incredibly grisly and the interviewees all agreed that if only they had known more about the extent of the violence sooner, known what was really happening, they could perhaps have done something. Perhaps if images of piles of dead children had reached tv audiences, people around the world would have rallied harder to the cause. It is only after it is over that we are able to pick through the rubble and try to explain what happened. And by then, it is too late.
Of course, the funny thing is the Ads by Google you get when you look up "sectarian" on m-w.com:
Islam Ringtone
Send this ringtone to your phone right now, at no charge!
.: posted by Zemlet 8:51 AM
Monday, August 14, 2006
What are the goals here?
I caught myself the other day thinking, “If only we didn’t have that mortgage, we could be putting so much more money into our savings.” Then another voice piped up with, “And what would you be saving up for?” To which I answered, “You know, a house… a family.” Heh. Yeah, let’s save up for the perfect house. One just like the one we already have. So that was silly.
But it renewed the realization that this is just a temporary stay here in stupid, sunny Los Angeles. We will not live here longer than five years and more likely for less than three. So rather than some weird purgatory before I get to return to my actual life, I should try to treat this like an opportunity. What could I accomplish in the next couple of years that would prepare for when I get to return to my real life? Should I spend this time bolstering the savings account? Well, that isn’t very likely with the way a mortgage and fat near-the-ocean-so-the-air-is-better rent hit our bank account. (I know, I know, the mortgage is really an investment in itself.) So what are my other options for short-term goals?
Well I thought about it and here it is: get the perfect job when I return to Seattle. How could I ensure I could get the perfect job when I settle in back home? It seems like I should work someplace where I get experience doing the kinds of things I want. Perhaps with a firm that can be recognized up there, so it will translate well on my resume. Or I could use this time to try a bunch of different jobs to see if there is something out there I might like better.
I often think about using this time as a big experiment and trying a bunch of new things, but that doesn’t ever happen. My pal Stacey came up with a comparison that helps me think about jobs. Pretend they are boyfriends. Take my present job: he is really nice, so I don’t want to hurt him, but I really don’t see it working out in the long run. As a job, people say to stick with it. If it were a boyfriend, everyone would agree that I should cut him loose so he can find the girl of his dreams, rather than stick around just because he treats me well. Sure this job treats me well, and everyone is very nice, but it is boring and everything I get out of it will be only what I pour into it, so I won’t really end up learning anything new.
Soooo, perhaps the reason I never feel up to experimenting with my career, is the same reasons I don’t feel like experimenting with my relationships. I don’t want to date a bunch of people, or more than one person at once. I want someone I can devote myself to and stick with for a long time. I want to be in love and feel secure and comfortable. You know, once you start thinking about a job like a boyfriend, you can take the metaphor very far. At one point I had Stacey laughing as I told her I really wanted a job that treated me well, but was also “good in the sack”.
So what would translate well on my resume? Perhaps I should work someplace a little higher profile? Perhaps a larger company someone might have heard of up here. I should work someplace that is committed to sustainable design, since I know that is big in the Northwest, or for someone with a marketing department I can learn from.
Some of you may be thinking, why are you waiting for the move back to Seattle? Get the perfect job there in LA. But see, my heart just wouldn’t be in it. Would you be on the prowl for a husband if you knew you would get divorced in a few years? Of course, I could do what I tried to when I lived in the Bay Area: get a job that has offices in Seattle with the possibility of a transfer. You know there is a company I’ve had my eye on here, and I just checked their web site to see if they have a branch in Seattle (they do) and then I looked on their career site to see if they you know, just in case, I just peeked. They have a marketing coordinator position open. Oh lordy. I guess I know what I am going to do with my free time tonight.
In addition I think I need to have a talk with my recruiter and tell her I am looking for a job that will translate better on my resume, make me a bit more money, and if they have a branch in Seattle, that would be a real plus. The firm I am with now wants to hire me (badly) but they would pay the recruiter a finder’s fee for me. It just isn’t fair to make them pay when I don’t really intend to stay. I really want to finish the web project I started for them, but other than that, I would be making up things to do.
The thing that really has me mad about all this? That I thought I had a three month period to contract at this job before having to make a decision. I had pretty much made up my mind about leaving, but knowing I had an extra month would help me firm that decision and finish their web site, so I could feel like I helped in a marked way while I was here. But the recruiter called my boss to say he had to make a decision on me this week and did not bother to call me to give the heads up that my boss would be asking me into his office to chat about a permanent position. He was so excited thinking I’d jump at the chance, but nobody had really asked me how I felt. I still cannot believe the recruiter didn’t call me too. I wonder if I should continue working with her or go it alone?
This is really rambling, sorry, but I am trying to work out a bunch of issues. To most people with real problems, it must seem like I am being so petty. Oh poooor Zemlet with her boring, easy job where they are nice to her. But what you might not know is that my job is my salvation, so everything about it matters to me in a big way. The move to Los Angeles has been really terrible for me in a lot of ways and I was horribly depressed and lost and working is the only way I can figure out to regain my sanity, so it has to feel more meaningful than what it is now. It has to feel like there is a reason to be there, not just that I am cooling my heels and wasting my time, which is what I’m feeling now. I don’t want to be the smartest person in the room, or the only person capable of making the computer go. I want to work on a team where ideas come together into winning documents. I want to feel like I am building my future, not doing a job I was capable of ten years ago. If I lose the feeling of being useful, I am not sure I’ll survive the next couple years. I’ve been staying really positive the last few months, but it is tenuous.
surface reflects light
below the undulation
darkness can beckon
.: posted by Zemlet 10:00 AM
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
double-sided
(This is a boring paragraph, for details on what made me spill champagne all over myself last night, skip to paragraph three.) If you think proof-reading specs is the most boring thing you can do, try printing them. Here are the rules: you can only print 100 pages at a time (there are over 2,000) and they are in over 130 different documents, and they need to be double-sided and there is no machine that does duplex, so you will have to print out all the odds then the evens and then reverse entire stacks by hand. Doesn't sound like fun? OK, how about every so often, there will only be gibberish printed on the page? The real fun is when you have a stack of 100 pages ready for their second side and that comes out gibberish and you need to start over. Still not enough excitement? What about if you were convinced that after all this work, nobody would even look at them? So yeah. I continue to spend half to all my time working on project work for this big deadline we've got for a set of plans and specs to go to DSA. But they are in the mode of "oh who cares, we just have to ship it" so things are going that aren't totally right, which is frustrating. There is a whole spec for electricity for swimming pools and there is no pool. But that is the mechanical/electrical/plumbing subconsultant's spec, so we are just going to ship it that way. It isn't that bad to have specs that include things that the building doesn't have (better than the opposite), but it makes me feel like that sub didn't review their documents at all before I got a hold of them. I made a bunch of notes for them, and they made some of the changes, but I guess they ignored "take out all sections not referred to in the plans" and a few others. The plans are not going out for bid yet, they are just being sent to the Division of the State Architect for review, so it isn't the end of the world if they still need work. But it still seems futile to read through all of them to find errors people think aren't worth fixing. Why am I reading through them then?
The people are so nice here, it isn't that bad a job really. It is just dull and I don't get to use that much of the skills or experience I have amassed over the years. I was capable of doing the job I'm doing now about fifteen years ago. Back then I was the smart computer girl who could help out with anything--no experience, all brains and speed. Here I am again, helping out with everything, because I am smart and fast and they need someone organized to get things done. If only those things were proposals, or other work I've trained for, perhaps it would feel less empty. But it would still be the paycheck I deserved ten years ago, not the one I should be earning now.
Last night we watched the movie "Vanity Fair". There were a lot of good outfits and bad hairdos. It wasn't entertaining enough for Jonathan to just watch, as he takes no notice of gowns or soundtrack or production design, which are the only assets this movie boasts, so he brought up the fact that he has PURCHASED {the movie that shall not be named} just to witness my reaction. The boy has to get his jollies somehow, I suppose. I almost spit up all my Asti Spumante, which I was sipping through the promotional straw I got free with my box of them, even though sipping champagne through a straw is a terrible idea, despite how fun it sounds, and I needed to hold a towel in my lap to pull it off. Anyway. There is a part where Becky Sharp goes to be governess at Sir Pitt Crawley’s and the house is a disaster. She starts cleaning everything up and organizing and making everyone behave and sort of raising the level of the place by singing a lot and speaking French all the time, etc. I kind of feel like that is what I am doing at my job right now. I am cleaning the office, since nobody else bothers to, organizing files that have been ignored for years, updating the literature, revamping the web site, etc. But like Becky Sharp, I feel I am destined for greater things. Do I wait for my own Miss Matilda Crawley to take me away from here, or go seek her myself?
.: posted by Zemlet 3:27 PM
Thursday, August 03, 2006
nose
Step 1: go downstairs to the cafe and purchase some milk (Calicium is good for you: it makes your hair grow out, in case, you know, that is something you think about. Perhaps you think about this a lot.)
Step 2: return to office
Step 3: receptionist asks, "what did you buy?"
Step 4: think to self, "fair enough question, I suppose," and answer, "milk"
Step 5: receptionist asks, "oh, what kind?"
Step 6: think to self, "what KIND? who the hell cares what kind? Who asks those kinds of things and for what purpose?," and say nothing
Step 7: receptionist asks, "you know, is it fat free?"
Step 8: start to wonder if that perhaps is a dig on your weight and get interrupted as receptionist asks, "Or you know, just reduced fat kind?"
Step 9: answer, "both" (which is true) quickly before she can say anything more and make beeline for kitchen alcove
Step 10: decide that from now on "the receptionist" will be known by the nickname "Nosy"
.: posted by Zemlet 11:40 AM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
your new best pal
I was reading my Mom's blog where she talks about gluing tile to things, and thought I would tell everyone that 3M's Super 77 Multipurpose Adhesive is going to be your new best pal. It quickly sticks anything to anything, making it a DIY-er's dream. It has yet to fail me. I have made a presentation board with it, which meant I used to to securely adhere metal, glass, tiles, paper, laminates, and a small chunk of concrete to foam core. I've glued paper to plastic and laminates so cleanly and smoothly, it was like they were always there and shall always remain. Do not buy the environmental version of the product as it does not work. I have not tried out any of the other numbers since 77 has always worked wonders for me.
I went to EALA today and got my badge so I can start going to the posh gym there for free. This isn't your typical corporate gym (is anything typical in Playa Vista?) it is a fully loaded fitness center with treadmills that each have their own TV. There is a staff nutritionist and personal trainers and several organized sports leagues that even involve playing other game companies. Within the campus there is a full soccer field, baskeball and volleyball courts. I can usually get home from work around 6, so I figure if I go directly to the gym (stopping at home would be workout suicide) I could work out until around 7, when my hubby usually heads home. Apparently a lot of the staff there rolls in late and stays into the night, so perhaps it won't be too busy. And since: a) I don't work there, and b) I am not as attractive and certainly a decade older than most of the other wives, nobody will probably pay me any mind.
I am upset because a really cool mural/ad near my office is getting painted over. In LA, there are neighborhoods that will not allow billboards, but you can get around it by making "murals" that are "art". There are regulations about content, including that verbiage can only take up a tiny percentage of the total image, but they are essentially advertising. They are hand painted, not pasted up--also unique. Anyway, Saturn VUE had painted a really cool one, where their cars were leaves on a branch, since the VUE is all ecology or green or whatever. (If Saturn really loves the environment, why the hell did they not let people buy their all electric cars?) Anyhow, it was in progress for several days, which was cool to watch "bloom" as it got painted. And then it was complete for only a month and NOW... Snakes on a Plane. That is right, they got rid of the pretty green leaf-cars and painted over it with the caduceus of death/aviation. And the men rejoiced. I know of no women who are looking forward to this picture, but every "guy" out there seems to refer to it regularly. I asked my own resident "guy" what the deal is. Is everyone excited because this picture will actually be good? Oh no, it is going to be terrible, but everyone still wants to see it apparently. "Oh, so it is bad," I reply, "so it is like 'Van Helsing'?" His response: "Van Helsing...is a timeless masterwork of filmmaking that will not be equaled in my lifetime...unstoppable visual tour-de-force" And I quote! What is wrong with him? Is it too much Testosterone in his system? Because if so, he should start training for the next Tour de France.
.: posted by Zemlet 1:39 PM
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
not going to settle
Well I came to a decision last night. A really hard one. Talking to my husband helped, but I still worried over it all last night. But by the morning I was sure… I want to leave my job. In the past, I left jobs because they were oppressive or overworked me, but this is the opposite and is equally unacceptable. There is just not enough to do! My voracious appetite for work is not being fed. I thought I felt sluggish at the office because I wasn’t getting enough sleep, but after working on that and getting plenty of rest, I still wasn’t peppy at my desk. I finally realized it was because I am bored. There isn’t enough engaging my mind to keep me awake. There is just not enough to do, since it is a really small company. Plus I have this feeling that I have worked on honing my skills and gathered experience for almost 20 years now and it is all going to waste. I am REALLY good at proposals and all the supporting efforts that surround them. I used to manage an average of five proposal efforts a month; at this firm, they did five ALL LAST YEAR. And they really don’t think they need to do all that much more. So that means all my talents for strategic proposals and interviews are just sitting on a shelf. I have organized their library, written up new PDs, and almost finished their web site. Given another month, I could revamp all their literature, SOQs and do their entire business plan and then be completely out of things to work on other than my own manicure. Notice how long these blog posts are? I simply have too much time on my hands. I have even started working on projects, since I am so starved for things to do. I taught myself Microstation CAD so I could help process plan markups. I proofread eight inches of double-sided specs and coordinated with all the authors to get their signoff on changes I thought were needed. (I now know a lot of worthless trivia about LAUSD’s master specs, in case anyone cares.) I watched the clock and left on time—something I have never done before in my entire life. I am just overkill for this job: a level 60 mage taking out level 19 troggs.
Remember the pal I talked about seeing that had the cute hair? Well she also just started a new job with an architect after working for the same engineering firm I did. She was so excited talking about how they were preparing for interviews and talked about negotiating how to work with the rest of the marketing team. I found myself being jealous… I want to work on interviews and proposals and be part of a team. Wow, is that too much to ask for? To get work on proposals? In fact, could you arrange it so I work on several at once, please? Thanks!
Luckily, part of me (and perhaps my boss too) foresaw this happening. So when I hired on, I agreed to a fixed contract of 90 days to see how it went, before hiring on permanently, in case it didn’t work out. That 90 days is up in less than two weeks. Guess I need to make some phone calls.
Part of me feels sad, or like I am a quitter, but another part of me doesn’t want to settle for a lackluster job that isn’t anything other than a place to go every day. Please! At the very least if I have a job I don’t like, I should be overpaid for it! Come on! But the thing that really gets me is that I reeeeeeaaaaalllly like working on proposals and it is my key strength—all of my experience supports my ability to turn out kick ass proposals even with impossible deadlines. And there are no proposals here, no deadlines; my skills are wasted. Hopefully I will be able to find something more challenging where I can be more useful (and soon enough to not miss a rent check) so I don’t have any regrets.
.: posted by Zemlet 9:16 AM
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